My next book, A Laughing Matter of Pain, will be published in the fall of 2018! The cover reveal is coming, also celebrating three years of writing original works for me!
You’ve heard it said before: have no regrets.
You’ve probably also found yourself alone with your maddening thoughts, maddening both as in crazy and provoking anger. Your lovely mind has this magical ability to conjure out of nowhere every past fault, failure, and fracture. But such thoughts do have a hiding place. They lurk in the deepest recesses of your mind. You know, those places you put memories you wish you could forget.
But you don’t. Or can’t. Or maybe the masochistic face of you doesn’t want to.
Misery loves company, after all.
I can remember getting ready for work when I was in my 20s. Ah, such was the decade where I was caught between responsible adult and kid. My husband was already at work. I had the house to myself and a tendency to not want to get up in mornings. I hated mornings. While mornings and I still aren’t buds, we can tolerate each other now, but I digress.
I was often tired and cranky while getting ready for work because I stayed up too late. I guess you could say I regretted staying up late come morning–ha! But seriously, because of my already compromised state of mind, I would find myself ruminating on certain people in my life, both past and present, who I felt had let me down. I’d grow increasingly mad, to the point sometimes that I wondered why I had wasted precious hours, days, and years of my life with some of these fine folks. I’d have regrets for even knowing them, for letting them get to me, and for letting they still live rent-free in my mind.
Although it wasn’t really rent-free. I wasted countless energy and time over past hurts, over regrets, over things that couldn’t be changed.
I could go further–regrets over things I didn’t do, should have said, or a path I took. Could have. Should have. Would have.
Now, I’m not going to lie and say that I never go to those ugly places, those closets filled with boxes labeled “regret.”
If anything now, I regret having regrets–ha!
I’m not entirely sure how, or when, or even why, but somewhere along the road of my 30s, I came to understand a deeper truth: I can’t change the past or my circumstances, but I can change how I look at them.
I have no control over other people or what goes on in the world. The forces of nature are beyond me. The thoughts and actions of other individuals are the result of their free will.
At the end of the day or my life, the only thing I should have to regret, if anything, is my outlook on life. I have a choice every day to make: be bitter or be content. Contentment, I believe, goes beyond momentary happiness. Feelings are as fleeting as leaves blowing by on a windy day. To have inner peace, a resolve to keep going, to say I’m going to stand and not fall, that is true contentment.
Instead of looking at a failed relationship as a waste of your time and being angry at the other person and yourself, look at it as an opportunity to learn something. I believe everyone who comes in and out of your life can teach you something, even if it’s what not to do.
These are the words I etch on my heart and stamp on my brain. I hope they go deeper and imprint on my soul, that eternal part that is who I really am. I hope, at the end of the day and my life, that I have no regrets because of choosing to rise above.
There is no new wisdom in these words, but just a simple reminder I think we all need from time to time. Friend, if you’re filled with regrets, make a choice right now to let those ugly boxes of junk go. Fill your mental storage with memories boxes of love.
It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. Nothing worthwhile is easy, I believe.
Like what you’ve read? Please subscribe to my blog, where I post a new blog every Friday, including book reviews.
My novel, Lorna versus Laura, is available for only $2.99 here.
My novel, Hannah’s Rainbow: Every Color Beautiful, is available for $3.99 here.
Ugh, do I have to wake up?
Waking up is vastly overrated. The pillows, the blankets, the soft curve of the mattress against my body, these are calling my name, beckoning me like a lullaby.
But if I’m honest with myself, I’m lucky today. I actually didn’t wake before my alarm on my phone. My kids didn’t wake me up.
Hey, I can get dressed, wash my face, and brush my hair in five minutes of silence!
If I sound sarcastic, I don’t mean to be. There are those sunny people who would tell me to be happy for another sunrise, and while part of me wants to show them where they can shove their bright remarks, the better part of me knows they’re right.
Besides, you can’t hold too much against me right now. I haven’t had my coffee yet.
So, it’s the start of another day. In the hour or so before getting out of the house, I need to feed three young kids breakfast and get them dressed and ready for school (with the exception of my daughter, who is only one). Oh, and I also need to feed myself somewhere in there. You’d think this wouldn’t be so hard, but that’s a lie many young moms tell themselves to feel better. Kids are disagreeable by nature, little people designed to push Mommy’s buttons. I admit I am not the most patient person on the planet, but after several mishaps in less than an hour, sometimes I’m ready for the clock to read 8:00 PM and not 8:00 AM.
But I push through my little aggravations…usually. I get the boys off to school, and it’s to the Y to work out. Working out is a great stress-reliever, but you know what comes to mind about the Y for me? There is an older gentleman who works at the Y I go to. He’s a custodian. It’s his job to clean toilets, to scrub floors, and to unclog drains. Yet he always, always smiles at me (and everyone he passes) and says, “Hello, how you doing?” He’s the type of guy you can’t help but smile back at and say hello, even on the tough days.
So, what’s he got that a lot of us don’t? Can I have your seeds of happiness and plant them inside of me, sir? I don’t like being miserable…and yet, I do it to myself. I choose to complain many, many times throughout every day about mostly trivial things: red lights, running late, being behind a slow driver, my son arguing with me, having to turn around and change a poopy diaper after just doing so…
Yet there are bigger things that lie just under the surface. Am I a good mom? Am I doing enough for my kids? I don’t feel equipped to be the mom of an autistic son. Who thought I could handle this? What about my dreams, my ambitions, my identity? I’m a writer. Is my stuff any good? Are people just humoring me by being nice? Do people really want to be my friends? Who could possibly love me?
Tough questions that stab at the heart. Those are seeds of discontent, of lies, of hatred, of fear. Plant those and they will choke out anything good, honest, loving, and hopeful.
I’m throwing out this obvious disclaimer before I go any further: I am not an expert on the topic I’m going to attempt to write about here–gratitude. My guess is you probably struggle with feeling grateful most days as well. It seems to be human nature to focus on the negatives. So, let’s take this journey together. Let’s foray into the muck of lies we tell ourselves (that we’re no good) and try to come out on the other end into something better (that we’re worthy).
I have done some book studies in a small group I’m in at church on this topic–gratitude. Some people call it counting your blessings. It’s not always easy, especially when emotions take hold and force us to take an ugly turn. As I’ve gotten older (and maybe a bit wiser), I have heard that little voice in the back of my head more–yes, even when I’m super-hormonal and slightly crazy!
When things are spiraling out of control, I can often see it unraveling. I know I am only going to make things worse for me and everyone else who has the unfortunate habit of crossing my path miserable. Often, I am focusing on one bad thing and ignoring many good things. There’s that one person who has let me down (or so I think), has pissed me off, or is just seeming to not live up to my expectations. Ah, expectations. Those nasty, petty things we want others to do, because, you know, we (read: I) know best. Um, right…
Stop right there. This is where we (yes, you and I) take a deep breath and think. Yes, think. Not react. Think about what’s going right in life. There are plenty of people who love me, who support me, who are there for me. I am breathing, aren’t I? I am alive. Sometimes it’s raining, and I long for sunshine. Sometimes it’s sunny, and I want a rainy day to cuddle inside and read a good book. But every day is truly a blessing when you think about it.
If you’re like most Americans, you have a roof over your head, food on the table, and clothes on your back. You don’t even have to think about these things, these bare necessities, but they are blessings. Often, I find that when I am taking my blessings for granted, when I stop and think about it, I know I have been blessed to be a blessing to others.
That’s gratitude–being thankful for what you do have without expecting more. A wise woman I know who has been through hell and back has a mantra: What are you doing with what you already got?
So, plant those seeds of the good stuff and water them often. That’s how you start cultivating an attitude of gratitude. You make the conscious effort (a choice, yes) to be grateful every day and count those blessings. I started writing my blessings down, with the goal of reaching 1000. I think I stopped somewhere in the 800s, but I got pretty far! I didn’t write them all in one day…a few a day, sometimes with several weeks in between writing them down. When you see those blessings written down, it can make them more concrete.
It takes a lot of practice and a constant, conscious effort to cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Do it enough, and that little voice starts to speak with more authority. You are more than the sum of your fears and little hates. You are someone whose life has a purpose. For me, I believe God sees the beauty in us even when we don’t see it in ourselves.
Those seeds can grow into something beautiful, something life-sustaining and worth sharing with others. So, I invite you to think about it. Plant some good seeds with me, make a choice, and watch them grow.
Like what you’ve read? Please subscribe to my blog, where I post a new blog every Friday and a book review the second Friday.
My new novel, Lorna versus Laura, is being released on Sept. 2 and is available for pre-order (only $2.99) here.
My first novel, Hannah’s Rainbow: Every Color Beautiful, is available for $3.99 here.
‘Tis the season…
To be jolly?
To go into debt?
Because God first gave to us His son, Jesus.
In the midst of the craziness of shopping, stressing, overspending, and stressing some more, it’s easy to lose sight of what matters. Whether you’re Christian or not, whatever reason you celebrate Christmas–whether religious, secular, or both–I believe that this season can bring out the very best in people.
Goodwill toward men, indeed.
I went into this holiday season trying to not overspend on gifts. Having three young kids, it’s easy to fall into the trap of buying them things they just don’t need, especially when they’re inundated with commercials for the latest hot toys. What five-year-old doesn’t tell their mom at least once an hour, “I want that, Mom?”
It’s a trap.
I kid you not.
Kid. Ha, I was talking about kids and wanting stuff. Anyway, pardon my bad sense of humor. I digress…
I fell into the same money pit this year by spending too much on my family, and I was torn between wanting to give, give, give and wanting to take some of the things back. In the end, a mom’s desire to see her kids’ excitement on Christmas morning when it came time to open the gifts won out.
However, I am vowing to go about this insanity differently next year. I want to donate or give to charity the same amount that I spend in gifts on my family. That’s not an original idea, but I heard it somewhere, and it stuck with me. I’m up for the challenge, and I’m not all talk. (Update: This was written in 2016. Now it’s 2017, and I am happy to say I lived up to this challenge of giving equally to charity what I spent on gifts.)
See, when I put my mind and heart to something, I can accomplish it. Case in point: Almost two years ago, I sat down and said I was serious about writing an original story. I would write at least fifteen minutes a day. If I missed a day, okay, but I wouldn’t let more than two days pass without writing. Ten months later, I had my first draft completed. That was almost a year ago. Now, I have the first draft of a second novel completed that’s currently being read and edited by a writers group at the library. I have self-published my first novel after going through the arduous process of querying a hundred literary agents and getting many rejections, but I kept at it. I am well into writing my third novel. I have the first chapter written of my fourth and have an idea for a fifth. (2017 update: I have finished drafts of novels three and four. I am well into my fifth. I self-published novel number two. I have ideas for six and seven.)
So, if I can write and be dedicated to it, I can be more generous next Christmas. I can give more to those who really are in need and give less to my own family, who already has plenty of things. We don’t need more stuff.
You might think, “Okay, that’s all well and good to make plans about what you’re going to do next year, but what are you doing about it right now?”
I do regularly give to charity. I sponsor two children through Children International, but for me, that wasn’t enough this Christmas. I became aware of a family in need. The father had just lost his job, and having a kid to support, you can understand why I wanted to help out. Also, this family is close to heart, so if there was something I could do to help them, it would be all the more important to me.
I didn’t have the means to personally give them much as far as money goes, so I organized a Go Fund Me campaign and rallied my friends and family for several days to give to this family. It was a beautiful thing to see the response. Many gave, and it’s not a matter of how much you give, but giving what you can. In the end, I was so happy to be able to give them a sizable amount of money to help them pay their bills and put food on the table, and while I was a part of that, I cannot and do not take full credit. So many people stepped up, and I love that.
Another friend told me about the local Elk’s Club wanting to give a large box of food and gifts to local families in need, and she thought of the family I was supporting. Needless to say, I got in touch with the Elk’s Club, and they were so generous and kind to deliver such a box to this family. (2017 update: This family is doing well this Christmas, although her sister lost a child and doesn’t have the money to pay for much of a Christmas for her other kids because of funeral costs. Not only did the family I helped last year help this devastated family, but I was also moved to send them some gifts. There is always someone in need who you can bless.)
In the midst of all this, I have my own troubles, but to help others lifts the burden of my problems. I firmly believe that reaching out and helping others is one of the best ways to help yourself. Everyone benefits. There is nothing lost, for, you see, love has no end. It’s funny how the more love you give, the more love grows. The more love you receive.
So, I did my little part in paying it forward. I had no expectation of getting anything in return from those I helped, so you can imagine how moved I was to be on the receiving end of the generosity of others who felt they wished to help my family. I never asked for it, nor expected it.
A Christmas card arrived from my church a couple of weeks ago with a hundred dollars in gift cards to a grocery store! The card was simply signed “From your friends at church.” I have recently expressed my heartache to some friends at church about the struggles my autistic son and my family are going through, so I can only guess that someone did this kind deed because of that. I cannot be sure.
As if that weren’t enough, on Christmas Eve, my husband and I dressed to play Mary and Joseph and were waiting in a classroom for our entrance into the sanctuary when a friend approached me and handed me an envelope. “It’s not really a Christmas gift,” she said, “but a couple of us from our ChristCare group (a Bible study group of sorts) wanted to help you out.” I smiled, thanked her, and tucked the envelope in my purse. Hours later, after the service was over, the kids were in bed, and the presents were under the tree, I opened the envelope to find three hundred dollars inside and a note that said, “For your son’s therapies.” Tears streamed down my face for the second time this Christmas season because of the kindness of others.
So, as another year winds down, I am thankful. It started around Thanksgiving with the extra intention of choosing kindness. As Christmas came upon us, I made the extra effort to pay it forward in terms of generosity, just one form of kindness. And it certainly came back around to touch me.
If you don’t believe that what goes around comes around, maybe you’ll think my story is just that–a nice little story. To me and many others, it’s more. Much more. May we all go into the New Year with a sense of wanting to reach outside ourselves, and you’ll see. It will come back to you.
Like what you’ve read? Please subscribe to my blog, where I post a new blog every Friday, including book reviews, which will resume in January 2018!
My novel, Lorna versus Laura, is available for only $2.99 here.
My novel, Hannah’s Rainbow: Every Color Beautiful, is available for $3.99 here.